Who Even Are You?: Breakups, Lorde, And Self-Awareness

When someone tells you who they are, don’t believe them.

Why didst thou promise such a beauteous day / And make me travel forth without my cloak? - Sonnet 34, William Shakespeare

MDMA in the back garden / blow our pupils up / We kissed for hours straight / well, baby, what was that? - What Was That?, Lorde

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A wise woman once said something like, “Girl, if you’re writing responses to his texts in the notes app, he ain’t worth it.”

There’s tons of iterations of the same one-liner, like “I promise you the man making you write paragraphs in your notes app is not your husband,” etc etc. It’s solid advice about a very embarrassing human itch that is so tempting to scratch.

Ugh. Should you even be with someone who requires you to defend yourself with novellas, and who would honestly probably prefer for you to just stay quiet? (Like, they didn’t want an explanation from you. They wanted you to be a completely different person.)

As far back as I can remember, I have taken everyone at their word and it has fucked me up. I guess my face screams: Someone (anyone!) tell me who I am. Make me in your image but, you know, …still love me for me or whatever.

I had been thinking about the Maya Angelou quote about when someone tells you who they are, believe them. I asked Allison Raskin, my podcast co-host, what she thought of the sentiment and was met with… “Gabe, that’s not the quote at all.”

She’s right. It’s actually “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” which means to go by someone’s actions and not their pretty words. (I’m not the only one who has misremembered Angelou’s writing as “when someone tells you who they are.” I Googled it and found some solace.)

My interpretation wasn’t far off. In my head, an example of “telling” would be like if someone you’re on a date with says they cheated on a couple past partners, but claim they had compelling reasons. Maybe the admission of these mistakes shows growth. I’m not saying to cut them off, but I am saying to keep this information in mind as you get to know them. They say they’ve learned, but in practice, does it seem like it?

If someone has had many friend break ups and blames them on the other parties every time, take note of that when you’re befriending them. Oh, all their exes were crazy? Interesting. They’ve had to leave every job because every coworker they’ve ever had has been a complete dick? Wild.

If he says he doesn’t ever raise his voice (he’s not the type) but then he yells at me, I must have misheard. If a partner says they don’t want to have sex with anyone at all, but then have sex with other people, I must not be working hard enough to understand why. (It’s not personal!) If she says what I just said was rude, then I am lucky to have her because no one else would put up with my shit personality. (She’s so smart!)

People want their storylines to make sense. But the narratives they hold onto are straight up either not true or, to be generous, very outdated.

I was thinking, if I may be so bold, I would remake Angelou’s advice into my own: “When someone tells you who they are, don't believe them.”